Julie invites me to Gegen. The party goes all weekend. Julie was planning to go at 6 am on Saturday to see a particular DJ spin, stay till dinner time, then go home for a while and come back Sunday. I said I\u2019d come around 8 on Saturday. Julie said no street clothes. I asked if I could run potential outfits by her and she said of course. We didn\u2019t talk explicitly about drugs but I can\u2019t imagine a BDSM techno party is very fun without them. I called her and asked, what will you be on? She said MDMA. I said, ok\u2026me too please.<\/p>\n
Bought my ticket online. Entered the digital portal that promises entry to the otherworld portal for 25 euros (23 if you set up an account). This is a business. In some ways it\u2019s the<\/i> business that keeps Berlin pumping. The parties are the head of the business and the tentacles are multiple; fetish clothes; party drugs; fizzy bottles of yerba mate; fanny packs filled with extra socks, ketamine nose spray and protein bars; black shit kicker boots to withstand floors wet with party gravy; Ubers and Bolts to get to the venue, food trucks selling tacos and vegan borscht, security guards, coat check crew, bartenders, and DJs that play 4 hour sets on multiple floors.<\/p>\n
Went to bed Friday night around 11, set the alarm for 7:13. Ordered a Bolt because otherwise I would have chickened out. It\u2019s my first party. I\u2019m 42. I am wearing black oxfords, tights, a mall-bought bikini with slits on the side and a cropped red-mesh tank that I found on my street in a give away box thinking only of future halloweens. Over the whole getup, I\u2019ve got on my trusty ochre puffer coat. Knee length and warm, providing cover.<\/p>\n
I get in the Bolt and we drive for 30 minutes and 33 euros to Schoeneweide. It feels like I\u2019m headed to the airport instead of a party. Reminds me of the business trips of my past, where I\u2019m in a cab, full makeup, hair blown out, surrounded by the scent of my own perfume and the musk of the cab. The only difference is I didn\u2019t drink any coffee this morning. I thought it might not work well with ecstasy. My stomach is empty.\u00a0 My ears are filled with Karina Longworth talking about Richard Gere in American Gigolo. I\u2019m on my way to a party because I need release and adventure and to be less like me for a while.<\/p>\n
The driver pulls over near a German middle class shopping plaza. This is where they buy their appliances, their foldout couches, their garden furniture. Outside it\u2019s gray and steadily drizzling. I follow some young people to the warehouse around the corner. They let me know I\u2019m in the right place. I’m still fearful that I won\u2019t be let in because of my clothes or the wrong ticket or some as yet undetermined mishap.<\/p>\n
There are guards outside chatting, sitting on bar stools. They say \u201cticket?\u201d and I show them my phone. They\u00a0 nod and let me through. Inside the first chamber, another guard is leaning her head back against the wall with her eyes closed. I don\u2019t want to wake her. I walk to a check-in desk and show my ticket to another guard. He laughs at his sleeping partner, says \u201cSaskia\u2026Saskia\u2026Saskia\u201d and she finally wakes up. I walk back over to her. She gives me a wrist band, tapes stickers over the camera on my phone, and checks my bag and body for contraband. Her check is thorough. She searches every compartment of my fanny pack. Where do people hide drugs? In their shoes? In their underwear? What happens if they find drugs? It\u2019s a place for drugs but only the drugs you can sneak in.<\/p>\n
In the next room there\u2019s a coat check big enough for a symphony hall. Rows and rows carefully marked with numbers. It\u2019s a long dark room that echoes thumping music from beyond. People are disrobing on long benches in front of the coat check. They peel off sweatpants to reveal intricate leather harnesses. Chains circling naked breasts and woven through nipple rings. Net bodysuits with nothing underneath. The way skin oozes through the netted holes reminds me of ham. Ultra fat bodies and ultra thin bodies. Everybody reduced to their most risky, frisky, essential self. It\u2019s touching. I get choked up.<\/p>\n
I strip down to my bikini and red mesh top. I leave my tights on and as I\u2019m entering the dance floor, a woman kindly suggests I don\u2019t wear tights. \u201cYou don\u2019t have to but it\u2019s so hot in there.\u201d I take off my tights but worry about my bare feet swelling and straining in my shoes.<\/p>\n
Julie told me to text her when I was inside. I don\u2019t have to because I find her right away on the dance floor. An auspicious beginning. She introduces me to Nick and Cody. I ask her if she\u2019s been up all night and she says no way. \u201cI got a good night\u2019s sleep and Scott and I did a stretching routine to prepare for today.\u201d Julie is dressed in her Jane Fonda workout best. A silver bodysuit with that 80s silhouette\u2013cut higher than high on the sides. She\u2019s got a printed scarf tied around her head. Its long tail swings when she thrusts.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s Saturday at 8:30 in the morning and I just want to forget about time. Completely forget about the world and melt into someplace else. Some place that is built from my body ecstatically responding to sound and motion. But instead I have to poop. I have to poop because this is my poop time. My body, which I have a perfunctory relationship with, at best, is making its needs clear to me. Now I will have to shit in the bathroom at a club that has been going since Friday at midnight.<\/p>\n
Julie asks me if I want to take my pill. I say yes! with a smile.<\/p>\n
We walk through the space together toward the bathrooms. Berlin\u2019s gritty warehouse aesthetic is on display. Less is more. All architectural decay is visible and takes on spiritual significance. Exposed pipes are stained glass windows. Low and lumpy black couches are the pews. The DJ cage is the pulpit. Drugs are the sacrament and the bathrooms are the hell you have to pass through to get them.<\/p>\n
I took ecstasy and then I pooped over an unlidded toilet bowl filled with piss and toilet paper. The floors were wet with charcoal soot. Evil is a fetish too.<\/p>\n
Dance session 1:<\/b><\/p>\n
Techno is a physical presence. As stupid as it is smart. Demanding restriction and release, restriction and release, in dizzying sequence. The DJ is a general. The DJ is a structural engineer.\u00a0 I\u2019m a novice attempting to dance.<\/p>\n
What do I want? Beat rises.<\/i>Where is my body? Beat does a loop-d-loop<\/i>. I look at other bodies and try to feel my own. I am convinced this is the key to unlocking something in me. I am convinced I need this, and I almost know what this<\/i> is. The bass falls out. My hands weave like I\u2019m at the Dead. <\/i>How do you know when you feel ecstasy? Bass comes back and everyone claps, hoots.<\/i> I used to know. I used to be able to get there. I\u2019m not there now. I should be there now.<\/p>\n
The drugs aren\u2019t strong enough. There\u2019s still too much me here.<\/p>\n
Break 1:<\/b><\/p>\n
This break room is dim with a dim bar. Groups of people are gathered on leather benches. The room has the proportions of an airport lounge. When I sit down, I become very aware of the bareness of my ass on something so unhygienic. I remember my big red granny panties are in my fanny pack. I thought maybe I\u2019d be too shy to wear the bikini bottom, so I discreetly packed a full coverage option. And now I put them over my bikini and feel like a pro fanny-packer with my big girl red diaper. Julie, Nick and Cody pull out cigarettes. Sven wants to roll a joint but he only has weed. Nick only has tobacco so it\u2019s a perfect match. \u201cPeanut butter and Jelly,\u201d I say for some reason when I see this exchange. Sven and Nick are German so they don\u2019t get this reference. It\u2019s an American stereotype, but an outdated one. It ages me to mention it, I suppose. I get into it anyway. \u201cIt\u2019s got to be berry jam. You can\u2019t mix peanut butter with apricot or orange marmalade.\u201d Sven nods seriously. We pass the joint and I yearn for it. My favorite drug. My old friend. Cody says, \u201cgrape is the classic choice though.\u201d<\/p>\n
Behind us there are three guys that came together. They look approachable so I approach them. I tell Julie, \u201cI\u2019m gonna tell that guy how beautiful his face is.\u201d There\u2019s a uniform for nudity all around me. This room is a fashion salon. In this room I learn chains can be delicate. Craftsmanship is apparent. Beautiful men and women are easy to spot. This environment doesn\u2019t erase that but it feels less important and can be matched by style, confidence and really owning your body.<\/p>\n