Diary of a Home Shopping Network Junkie<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n
These hosts with the most mean business in their dense frostings and gold embossings. Today, they\u2019re going in strong on the wino tip.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n These \u2018live callers\u2019 are- every one of them- shills. Plants. These BOZE\u00ae speakers are powerful enough to BLOZE\u00ae your cocaine off the table and your candles out. They don\u2019t market it this way but they should. The first caller sounded like she was that Sunset Boulevard movie actress talking about the BOZE\u00ae system she\u2019s owned for twenty-five years which isn\u2019t this model at all. \u2018This model\u2019s state of the art!\u2019 This broad sounds like she\u2019s living in the bottom of a rocks glass.<\/p>\n Oh, Home Shopping Network<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":16,"featured_media":4626,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"gallery","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4612","post","type-post","status-publish","format-gallery","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","post_format-post-format-gallery"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4612","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/16"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4612"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4612\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4626"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4612"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4612"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4612"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
5\/19\/2022<\/span><\/b> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (debtor\u2019s prison, Stryker Ohio)<\/i><\/p>\n
[Oh, Home Shopping Network\u2026 you used to be comfort food for thoughtlessness thrumming like a pernicious sweet tooth, the rot fomenting under the surface. I loved you since I was a strange young man working manual labor during the hours when most folks slept. I never bought anything from you then. I was paying off student loans and fiscally smarter because Mom and Dad were watching. They are again now that I\u2019ve hit them up for emergency assistance. Ha ha. Joke\u2019s on me. The index will be just fine. But, back then, I was your burgeoning font of consumer potential, on the cusp of real debt and servitude. It wasn\u2019t until all these years later that I became hip to you as the mall of the future. I\u2019ve always had a fetish for malls. Malls are relics. Dead memories.<\/p>\n
That fruitcake David\u00ae on Home Shopping Network can sell Bose\u00ae hearing aids to a bat. He can whip himself into a frenzy over a remote-controlled artificial limb; he could sell it to a six armed, five-legged, three-dicked man. This hearing aid seems like it could be a great spying device to listen in on others\u2019 conversations. As a matter of fact, that\u2019s a great angle for hearing aid manufacturers: surveillance settings. For the geriatric 007 wannabe. Dentures with cameras. Swiss army artificial limbs and implants. Hormone injections. This is a tale for aging boomers. If this were a movie, I would want David from HSN to make a cameo but only briefly. He needs to die within seconds of appearing on screen. Anyone familiar with him would understand. He\u2019s ruined ME!<\/p>\n
We all become the mall we most want to see in this world.<\/p>\n
The mall nursed them, the old guard, into lazy and voracious parasites. They passed it on and the hunger for static immediacy further stultified a stimulus fried consumer base. The dollar made them holler and the gobblers kept gobbling: land, communities, entire swatches of the continent until all that remained were millions of dead malls\u2026 like myself. In this ethereal state we can eat as many air fried Oreos\u00ae as our former hearts desired with a Ninja\u00ae brand DualZone Air Fryer still in the package waiting in a warehouse in Mckeesport Pennsylvania for a shipment to \u2018Good Buys\u2019 (level three) that\u2019ll never happen. It used to be available at Sharper Image, but, no longer. Anyway, the Sharper Image on level two isn\u2019t the same since the water main burst and the family of badgers moved in. At this time, you can only purchase the Ninja\u00ae brand air fryer online. No store in my personal mall will ever vibrate with the jolly whine of a receipt printer again. After the flood and fire, the water and electrics were shut off. The signs were extinguished, broken, defaced. The air\u2019s been usurped by mold spore and asbestos flake, floating in sunrays, streaming through shattered skylights, downed drop ceilings. The air\u2019s unstable.<\/p>\n
Here I am. Over drafted. Over extended. Stuck in the goo of the deceptively attractive Easy Pay Plan on HSN credit. Here I am: on the verge of evacuation and demolition.<\/p>\n
A dead mall in other words.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In my swampy center: I\u2019m a replicated Chapel Hill Mall, Akron Ohio, circa 1971. It\u2019s always Christmas here, though. Snow swirls through holes in the caved ceiling. Towering center court, the giant stucco snowman sits, a Skeletal Secret Santa, retrocoronated and nestled in that nook where \u2018Frosty\u2019s\u00ae\u2019 crotch would be.<\/p>\n
This screen- augmented portal of trivial issuance- this touchstone of postmortemmodern consciousness targeting my pineal gland, shows people turning the gas on their grills and throwing an entire corpus, possibly the youngest who would logically be the most tender, upon the grate. The gauge goes wild with an earsplitting hiss as needles in Frosty\u2019s\u00ae obsidian eyes bounce into the red.<\/p>\n
The entire shitshow goes up. The Grillmaster\u2019s, i.e. David\u2019s\u00ae, body pieces mix with shredded bits of Rastelli Beef (r), chicken and Play-Mystery-For-Me-Meat. Variable speed shots deploying moments of stop action segments honing minced human muscle, sinew, bone mingling seamlessly with pork, chicken and fish chunks. Some mangled pork short ribs, some of junior\u2019s ribs? Who knows and who cares? There\u2019s an insurance policy.<\/p>\n
The object of the game, and it is a game whether we \u2018like\u2019 it or not, is to have as many goodies around us for comfort as our teeth are knocked out.<\/p>\n
11\/23\/19<\/span><\/b>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (row house, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
He\u2019s such a BitTorrent bottom. Now he\u2019s sampling the booze. He prays to Dionysus and sucks his dick until the god dies of cosmic dehydration. David\u2019s\u00ae all the richer for it. His paycheck\u2019s dependent on this voracity. After all, \u2018foodie\u2019 and \u2018gourmand\u2019 are simply doublespeak for \u2018glutton\u2019. His cropped hair is crisp with product, glinting in the studio light as his baby hands clutch wine glasses, fondle chicken breasts. He probably looks like a lump of half risen dough with his clothes off\u2014 barrel-chested doesn\u2019t even begin to describe it.<\/p>\n
Pink lady apple wine. He\u2019ll turn into a pink lady- four on the floor- after a couple of those. (wink wink) The bottom energy is puffed up and strong, here. Drinking silk. Huffing cream.<\/p>\n
Now\u2026 moving on to this BEAUTIFUL air fryer\u2026 it is\u2026 hands down\u2026 the HOTTEST, JUICIEST air fryer you\u2019ve never known but have so frequently dreamed of in your most vivid, private consumer dreams.<\/p>\n
These broads are kweefing champagne fountains over this air fryer.<\/p>\n
12\/1\/19<\/span><\/b> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (row house, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
Circling back to my favorite fruitcake David\u00ae who\u2019s gone live with his Wednesday night three-hour segment. He\u2019s sucking on a plate of mussels with those thin southern lips using those chubby baby mitts.<\/p>\n
Wonder what he did for Valentine\u2019s Day?<\/p>\n
Probably spent it with his dogs.<\/p>\n
And a bottle.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I am in a zone of cortisol and lethargy. Happy New Year?<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a Maya Rudolph doppelganger hocking HP laptops.<\/p>\n
All of the male hosts on Home Shopping Network seem gay except for the I.T. nerds. They\u2019re A-sexual, mostly. The majority of the female hosts look like suburban whorebags. Closet nymphos. Plastic surgery and rouge giving great \u2018duster head\u2019. Territories are closing quickly. Over thirty-nine thousand sets have already been sold. David\u00ae flames out in small ways. I\u2019m sure that this is so the midwestern normtards don\u2019t change the channel to avoid any sort of perverted agenda coming through the airwaves and screen pulses.<\/p>\n
Too late.<\/p>\n
12\/2\/19<\/span><\/b> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (row house, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
When the yuck blows up, David\u2019s\u00ae squeegee gets busy\u2026 it\u2019s got a telescoping titanium pole. He just told me that GRAY is the most popular home decor \u2018color\u2019. Why does this not surprise me? They\u2019ve coined the term \u2018greige\u2019- gray beige.<\/p>\n
Looks like dead ass.<\/p>\n
We like that here. The more dead limbs the merrier.<\/p>\n
Mr. Bendable. He\u2019s a clogged aorta of affable exuberance. When the yuck blows up, it\u2019s Mr. Bendable to the rescue!<\/p>\n
David\u00ae brings up his twenty-year tenure on the network every chance he gets. He\u2019s got a custom line of spatulas with his \u2018catch phrases\u2019 printed on them.<\/p>\n
Such a fruitcake.<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t have to worry about distrusting his culinary abilities because he\u2019s a corpulent fella. They tell you to never trust a skinny cook. Never go to a restaurant with an empty parking lot. Food is obviously the centerpiece of his ad copy life. His \u2018in-kitchen arsenal\u2019 is on point. He\u2019s properly disposing of his rendered fats. A seven-inch full tang makes him squeal. So professional. He\u2019s been blessed by some rando \u2018Iron Chef\u2019. Someone somewhere cares about this. I\u2019m simply lurking, wondering what I need for my own kitchen. I think maybe all of it. I open the app and start ordering.<\/p>\n
Knives from heaven. I can tell an asshole from a Pringle\u2014 tell you what.<\/p>\n
Iron Chef is calm\u2026 slicing a chunk of beef like nothing\u2026 I picture his fingers coming off. Everything\u2019s carbon\u2026 triple riveted.<\/p>\n
What\u2019s up with the charcuterie? Fuck those things. Don\u2019t come at me with all of that. I need a silicone cutting board.<\/p>\n
I need a Granite Stone\u00ae diamond spike indoor grill- a one-up on the George Foreman\u00ae grill. I need a new one. It\u2019s only $19.99. It cooks 22% faster, but I\u2019m too stoned and relaxed to negotiate a phone purchase right now. I don\u2019t want to have to deal with some stranger\u2019s toxic positivity. It\u2019s not the time.<\/p>\n
12\/17\/19<\/span><\/b>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (row house, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
This new guy here\u2026 he likes his powders. Or so he sez.<\/p>\n
This other broad is doing a presentation for her company: BADgal BANG!\u00ae She\u2019s got the cosmetics. The ultra-black formula! The thirty-six-hour weightless volume! Everybody\u2019s axing for BADgal BANG\u00ae It\u2019s national lash week at QVC1.<\/p>\n
12\/18\/19<\/span><\/b> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (row house, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
Unwinding with Laura Prepon shilling her upscale cookware line on HSC3. She\u2019s definitely diversified. Her line is cleverly called \u2018PrepOn\u00ae\u2019 Cute, right? She IS a pretty thing, to be sure. She got a board has a juice groove 2 die 4.<\/p>\n
I wonder if she fucked around with Wilmer.<\/p>\n
Why wouldn\u2019t you? I mean, STI\u2019s notwithstanding, simply double bag it.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s talk polarizing odors.<\/p>\n
Where are you, Wilmer?<\/p>\n
I want a PrepOn\u00ae carbon steel fry pan and I want it inserted directly into you.<\/p>\n
Laura Prepon has an industrial kitchen. She\u2019s serious\u2026 this is no joke to her, despite her comedic background. She\u2019s been an executive chef since @agetwelve. There are lots of tongue slips and glitched feeds. This is my life blood. The stuff I live for. She\u2019s a businesswoman who cares deeply about culinary issues. She wrote her first cookbook in twenty sixteen. She\u2019s an actress, director, producer and so much more!<\/p>\n
From the menu, I carefully select the host that looks most outrageous or spastic. The more unhinged, the tastier. With any luck at all, it\u2019ll be a combo. These broads and broad-dudes boast a plethora of plastic surgeries and severe tans. The exceptions being the tech segment hosts who all look like starved, needy vampires. The job of a QVC\/HSN host must be a strange and slightly anxious one. They\u2019re fed constant updates and product information by means of implanted earpieces. It\u2019s the soundtrack to a mouse race in a vast consumer maze. The smiles are stress pressed into their faccia. They must never turn their backs to the camera! They are contractually obligated to find the drunken, giddy delight in a Kuhn Rikon can opener or a blown plastic Christmas tree. They must impart that delight to the target audience, meaning old people like me, but I\u2019m the wurst kind of cuntsoomer.<\/p>\n
5\/25\/22<\/span><\/b>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (debtor\u2019s prison, Stryker Ohio)<\/i><\/p>\n
[Fail. I\u2019m dwelling on the fail. I want endlessly. The need to reinvest in keeping the minutiae of my day-to-day together has become dire, meaning I\u2019ve now fictionalized my wallet. Locked in a limbo world of indentured servitude, I scramble for self-esteem and breathing room. Consumables never-ending. Don\u2019t mind me. I\u2019m dumb as a dildo. My spirit\u2019s dissolving in a dried-up fountain in front of where Spencer Gifts used to be. Gandalf\u2019s water-damaged cardboard standup leans through the shattered display window, making me feel judged and belligerent. The Lord of the Rings still sucks. He\u2019s got black mold growing down his beard, onto his robes. Pernicious molds, you understand. Sister substances with black goo. It\u2019s in there. I have devolved into a \u2018wet ingredients\u2019 pack. This non-locale, this liminal marketplace is the only safe way to shop until you drop. And drop I have.]<\/p>\n
12\/22\/19<\/span><\/b>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (row house, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
Oh! I want a BOSE\u00ae WAVE\u00ae Music System Husband w\/CD Player & Radio. You touch it, and it farts. Wouldn\u2019t it be nice? Since mine left me for spiraling into a spending frenzy. Lot of good it\u2019s doing me. It\u2019s today\u2019s special for three hundred twenty-nine ninety-nine or five flex pay payments of sixty-six dollars. The excitement is palpable (read: pulped).<\/p>\n
They have Iman, David Bowie\u2019s wife, selling some of the most tepid, generic cowl neck sweaters ever. Cowl necks again? They have Isaac Mizrahi, whom I\u2019d like to spoiler alert DECOLLATE.<\/p>\n
I have for years. When it wasn\u2019t even cool to want to do that.<\/p>\n
[Frosty\u2019s\u00ae mouth has been replaced with an 85\u2033 Samsung plasma screen with flaming David \u00ae in his studio kitchen hawking a gas-gauge for propane tanks. The screen\u2019s blue light flickers across broken glass and puddles collected in the cracked tiling of my heart\u2019s vast floor. Weeds and mosses bloom frothy, expansive from crevices eating the place from the bottom up. Escalators loom in time-lapse collapse.]<\/p>\n
They have Christie Brinkley unless she thinks she\u2019s grown past it. Christie Brinkley gets a pass on all the games I\u2019m prone to playing tonight. FREE PASS, CB! YA HEAR?<\/p>\n
\u2018Everybody recognizes the name BOZE\u00ae!\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Nobody can touch this price\u2026 this is value!\u2019 Creating a sense of limited resource and urgency is always key.<\/p>\n
\u2018Get on this deal RIGHT NOW! This price lasts only until end of night! Ten thousand ALREADY SOLD!\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018Sound is air and motion.\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018The folks @BOZE\u00ae KNOW SOUND!\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018They\u2019ve stayed @thetopofthesoundgame for fifty-eight years!\u2019<\/p>\n
\u2018We\u2019re reaping the rewards!\u2019<\/p>\n
Somebody is. Not me. All these spoils have been sold or repo-ed. I\u2019m a chattel slave to my creditors. I haven\u2019t made an adult decision since I was a kid.\u00a0<\/p>\n
12\/3\/2020<\/span><\/b>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Mom & Dad\u2019s, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
Waking and baking with that big fruit Mr. Bendable, i.e., David\u00ae, who\u2019s \u2018wetting his plants\u2019 over some gourmet chocolate popcorn. It\u2019s a gut buster, to be sure. He can scarcely contain himself over these saturated foodstuffs. It\u2019s surprising he\u2019s not five hundred pounds by now. The love of food is HIS deadly sin, the one he truly leans all the way into. Shoveling ALL the samples into his gob at warped speed, he\u2019s doing his patented \u2018Happy Dance\u2019\u00ae and making me ashamed to be in this class of Humanimals.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s a guilty pleasure\u2026 not the premium cheese steak with \u2018the whiz\u2019 sprayed over top\u2026 but indulging in a consumer feeding frenzy, the luxury of access.<\/p>\n
1\/5\/21<\/span><\/b>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Mom & Dad\u2019s, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
It\u2019s no surprise that ten-ton fruitcake, David\u00ae, on Home Shopping Network is pushing max density because he\u2019s constantly cooking and sampling the goodies for his three-hour power jamming segments. He likes his cocktails, too. I get a def \u2018hideous kween\u2019 vibe. He plays a jolly old elf in this electronic showroom slash kitchen slash retail wet dream. He\u2019s giving the hard sell on his cookbook today. Work beaters and dough hooks be damned. He\u2019s a red balloon of a man in corporate casual duds. He gooshes when he waddles to and fro, spritzing this and frosting that.<\/p>\n
I want to truss him up like a hawg at a roast.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s BEGGING for it with his every cookbook plug.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s sold over one hundred and fifty thousand of them, you know.<\/p>\n
His fucken COOKBOOK, mang!<\/p>\n
He\u2019s got the pudgy, soft hands of a baby.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s positively creaming his husky Wranglers over some gourmet biscotti.<\/p>\n
His head would make a festive holiday ham.<\/p>\n
His excitement over these baked goods is palpable enough to make me ad nauseous. His description of his favored way of consuming this biscotti borderline verges on the blue or purple. It\u2019s a religiopsychosexual experience. They\u2019re making biscotti parfaits. They look disgusting and crunchier than any parfait has a right to be.\u00a0 This is offensive to an entire class of desserts. Abominations!<\/p>\n
He\u2019d shove anything, save a pussy, in his cocksucker. Oh\u2026 yeah\u2026 and kale. He doesn\u2019t care for kale, \u2018cukes\u2019 or Brussel\u2019s Sprouts. He\u2019s like a human pastry vacuum. A comfort food giant!<\/p>\n
He puts the blow in blowhard, but that\u2019s double plus good for an unforgettable Home Shopping Network host. I\u2019m so stupid, I can\u2019t stay away from his show.<\/p>\n
1\/6\/22<\/span><\/b>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Mom & Dad\u2019s, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
WINE<\/p>\n
This work week is tiring my mind. Nothing a little Home Shopping Network and some premium wines from that plastic surgery kween can\u2019t mitigate. Tune into that big pud David\u00ae for comfort and laffs. He\u2019s terminally jolly, toxically positive, an overinflated tour guide through a privileged consumable purgatory.<\/p>\n
I wonder what the rate of alcoholism is amongst the staff in that studio.<\/p>\n
He has a camera in his studio fridge. He loves cheesing for that camera when he has to remove a chilled item.<\/p>\n
1\/17\/21<\/span><\/b>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Mom & Dad\u2019s, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
Matthew Camp\u00ae has a lifesize doll. It\u2019s horrifying. It\u2019s a cold, disturbing facsimile and I kind of want one. If I were a rich man, I\u2019d find a nice nook in which to prop him up. If I were a rich man, though, I\u2019d hire the real Matthew Camp\u00ae for random entertainments. The doll is more like a curio. A prop of enflamed will, a projection into a mass masturbatory hallucination. Almost five thousand dollars for this nightmare in cyberflesh. I wonder if there\u2019ll ever be a Home Shopping Network for sex toys.<\/p>\n
1\/18\/21<\/span><\/b> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Mom & Dad\u2019s, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
They spun my blood and made a jelly to slather into these gum pockets where my wisdom teeth were. I\u2019m on hydrocodone, steroids and amoxicillin. In bed feeling and reeling with my digital friends @ Home Shopping Network, my face a bloody mess.<\/p>\n
Maybe it\u2019s the anesthesia wearing off but I feel like a fly stuck in a web of conspiracy far larger than anything I can conceive of. A global rot, if you will. A world truly in decline. I\u2019m thinking about this as I lie in bed watching QVC2. I\u2019m recuperating, trying not to tongue my torn sockets. Today, not so painful. I\u2019m clicking and looking for my other favourite HSC host whose name is Shawn. She\u2019s batshit amazing. A show with her and David\u00ae is an inspired, ne superhuman, sales combo for the ages. Shawn- like David\u00ae\u2013 gives every shred of herself to her \u2018presentations\u2019 {as the hosts call their respective and varied pitches}. They wax fondly and speak often of booze. There are three hosts I look out for\u2026. the third looks like an owl with a tan and lip gloss framing a smile that\u2019s nothing short of spine-tingling.<\/p>\n
3\/10\/21<\/span><\/b> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Mom & Dad\u2019s, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
I want to seal the halves of her in his Foodsaver Vacuum Sealer starter kit using an industrial garbage bag. Toss Goodytwoshoes Gifford\u2019s wrapped halves into the La Brea Tar Pits with the other dinosaurs, pour out a bottle of Gifft\u00ae Cab on the sidewalk out front in honor of her twinkling service to The Republic.<\/p>\n
This dingbat has to be on amphetamines or coke. Her hair is dyed raven black, her skin is golden orange. She has glasses that make her look like an owl. I can\u2019t help but picture her putting the moves on a gaffer. She\u2019s disgusting.<\/p>\n
You understand.<\/p>\n
Reinventing mascara with weightless volume technology. If your crepe lids are droopy, they won\u2019t get spidery with this particular formula.<\/p>\n
These powerful, independent women bring a dizzying, maniacal enthusiasm to the most mundane household items. So much so that I want to buy a month\u2019s supply of mascara.<\/p>\n
\u2018I\u2019m so excited, I\u2019m wetting my plants.\u2019\u00a0 Says David looking like Baby Huey in his signature apron.<\/p>\n
4\/30\/21<\/span><\/b> \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (Mom & Dad\u2019s, Hilltop USA)<\/i><\/p>\n
Home Shopping Network\u2019s making me feel deficient and more ineffectual than I already do. Apparently, I\u2019m ruining my knives by throwing them in the drawer. I don\u2019t use one of those nasty wooden knife blocks so I\u2019m clean there. I order two sets and an inflatable baby pool for adults.<\/p>\n
\u2018Don\u2019t fight the chicken.\u2019<\/p>\n
Pucker pleats. Inmymouth. My gums aren\u2019t healing and the doctor bills are piling up on top of the credit card bills. Easy Pays are autodrafted from my account conveniently enough.<\/p>\n
That fat fruitcake isn\u2019t farting around his kitchen, so I switch to Attack of the Eye Creatures. This is a seven out of seven stars, so far.<\/p>\n
6\/6\/2022<\/span><\/b>\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (debtor\u2019s prison, Stryker Ohio)<\/i><\/p>\n
[The frogs sing in chorus in what used to be a beautiful fountain. Its salmon-colored tiles all but obscured with bright green and purple lichens.<\/p>\n
No more gun shots on the concourse.<\/p>\n
Where have the graffiti wannabe thugmobs gone?<\/p>\n
The real men, groypers, rapists and dopers and their female counterparts and\u2026<\/p>\n
You can marinade a fucking steak in Coca Cola\u00ae and Mentos\u00ae?!<\/p>\n
David\u2019s\u00ae voice echoes, his wattle waxing sweaty with the fervor he\u2019s secreting over butter cream frosting. No one in the mall cares because everyone\u2019s gone. It\u2019s a post-apocalyptic scene. Dig it? Everything\u2019s fallen down and the plasma screen doubling as Frosty\u2019s\u00ae mouth is the only sign of \u2018life\u2019 left inside this haunted, abandoned place. This expert showperson, this charismatic bullfrog with a penchant for adult beverages and fried chicken, speaks of microns and gorgeous steaks with equal and sufficient slapstick aplomb. His transitions are effortless.<\/p>\n
But, David\u00ae isn\u2019t here, here. Is he? No. His image only flickers in the pixelated liminal space of this musty, former retail arena, over rolling acres of twinkling broken glass.<\/p>\n
Good thing all minds have short-circuited creating the answer to our extinction prayerblasphemes. So no one can hear this gogdammed tree falling or this dead mall mauling. Fursona\u2019s white void is what lie beyond this vacant retail space\u2026 the consumer failure point. I\u2019ve died too, at the hands of Dow Jones and the Vanderbilts and, last but not least, myself. Good Lord, yes. Myself. So I\u2019ve gone back to the industrial wasteland of my youth, to the mall of my childhood and allowed my frequencies to invade the space, to settle right in.<\/p>\n
My spirit floats through Spencer Gifts\u00ae. I\u2019ve always loved Spencer\u2019s. The store with the druggie vibe\u2026 least that\u2019s how I remember it from my childhood. Who knows if or what it is today.<\/p>\n
Even all the fat people didn\u2019t have enough stock to stay upright. They exist only as frequencies now. Exactly like me. They sizzle and pop in the fire that heats the fryer. All bodies resting below the mall as if it\u2019s their monumental crumbling tombstone. We\u2019ve finally cooled to our ideal resting ambient temperature and bitch face for our eternal emissions.<\/p>\n
Look how moist- mold eaten- a showcase gets when left empty, untended, unadmired. The Angus Meat isn\u2019t the only one oozing juice in the place. The only Humanimal action here takes place on that hovering 20 by 10 ft. screen (so if something here had a nose it might smell it. But there isn\u2019t and it won\u2019t). A signal tone sounds in the background, distorted by the radically fluctuating atmospheric conditions. Its pitch phases in and out. The chain reactions of life are ineptly imitated by their replicunts. They made a god of fiber optics and providers available on Easy Pay Plans.<\/p>\n
I am a dead, haunted mall.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m a Christmas Woolworth\u2019s collapsing to dust.<\/p>\n
Entertained a Home Shopping Network earworm. After the gold rush, it\u2019s shoe leather soup and toenail pudding from the trash bin tureen.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile Rob Lowe is giving folks health tips via Bob Atkins. Babble on.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s cum a long way since boofing prostitutes. Respectable muddle-age. The proof is in the peel- the stories issued from a Weathered Hyde. Works and soon-to-be cut outs. They smolder latent, amorphous. All these insects perish in my dead mall, flypaper heart.]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"