{"id":3775,"date":"2022-02-20T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2022-02-20T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/?p=3775"},"modified":"2022-02-23T12:37:46","modified_gmt":"2022-02-23T17:37:46","slug":"all-commercials-are-bullshit","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/all-commercials-are-bullshit\/","title":{"rendered":"All Commercials Are Bullshit"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Since my escape from the confines of Bear Creek,<\/span>1<\/sup><\/a><\/span> I have fallen in with a loose association of malcontents, reprobates, misanthropes, degenerates and schismatics who refer to themselves (somewhat pretentiously, I might add) as the \u201cLast Estate\u201d–a name they also use for their headquarters, a rotting hulk of a mansion whose legal owner (the last actual occupant\u2019s<\/span>2<\/sup><\/a><\/span> doubly-illegitimate grand-nephew) never got the letter informing him of his inheritance, and would not have acknowledged it even if he had.<\/span>3<\/sup><\/a><\/span> The mansion is haunted as fuck;<\/span>4<\/sup><\/a><\/span> my new housemates are barely tolerable at best<\/span>5<\/sup><\/a><\/span> and make me actively murderous at worst;<\/span>6<\/sup><\/a><\/span> and it is so FUCKING HUMID that I\u2019m pretty sure every square inch of my body is just like coated in a layer of sweat, it\u2019s disgusting, I hate it here. But I don\u2019t have to pay rent, which means I don\u2019t have to get a real job, which means I can spend as much time as I want getting in arguments online. I still need money for drugs and alcohol and nicotine (a kind of drug), unfortunately, so I\u2019m writing a low-effort listicle about what every sportswriter must write about at some point in their career: the Super Bowl.\u00a0<\/p>\n


To be clear: I didn\u2019t watch the superbowl, because fuck it. I hate Ohio and I hate Los Angeles. Whoever wins, I lose. Didn\u2019t even look up the fucking results. Who cares.<\/a> I\u2019m writing about the ads. I have watched them all<\/span>7<\/sup><\/a><\/span> so you don\u2019t have to (no seriously please don\u2019t it\u2019s not worth it) and I will be ranking them from worst to best based on three criteria: sex appeal;<\/span>8<\/sup><\/a><\/span> artistic value;<\/span>9<\/sup><\/a><\/span> and cultural impact,<\/span>10<\/sup><\/a><\/span> each rated out of five. There will be no perfect scores, this I promise. Also I don\u2019t know how many of these fuckers there are, maybe I\u2019ll get bored and give up halfway through. Here we go.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. Planters – Mixed Nuts<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    SEX APPEAL: 0\/5.<\/p>\n

    ARTISTIC VALUE: 0\/5.<\/p>\n

    CULTURAL IMPACT: 0\/5.<\/p>\n

    TOTAL SCORE: 0\/15. I wish that fucking peanut was still dead.\u00a0<\/p>\n

    \u00a0<\/p>\n

      \n
    1. Meta Quest 2 – Animatronics<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      SEX APPEAL: 0\/5. The metaverse is just Second Life but not sexy. They took all the sex appeal out of Second Life and replaced it with some bitmoji ass mii ass fuckshit<\/a>. I spit on the metaverse. In a non-sexual way.<\/p>\n

      ARTISTIC VALUE: 1\/5. \u201cDon\u2019t you forget about me\u201d is one of those songs that like. I won\u2019t change stations if it\u2019s on the radio but I would never choose to listen to it otherwise. You know?<\/p>\n

      CULTURAL IMPACT: 0\/5. If the culture knows what\u2019s good for it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

      TOTAL SCORE: 1\/15. I would make legally actionable threats to Mark Zuckerberg here but I don\u2019t want these guys\u2019 newspaper web-thing to get taken down, they put a lot of work into it and it would just break their little hearts.<\/p>\n

      \u00a0<\/p>\n

        \n
      1. Verizon – Jim Carrey Cable Guy<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        SEX APPEAL: 1\/5. Jim Carrey looks like shit now. I guess the woman in it was cute. Eh.<\/p>\n

        ARTISTIC VALUE: 0\/5. Fuck you.<\/p>\n

        CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. Google tells me this is a reference to a movie that came out while I was still in diapers. I have not heard of it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

        TOTAL SCORE: 2\/15. Wish I was watching The Mask instead.\u00a0<\/p>\n

        \u00a0<\/p>\n

          \n
        1. Vroom – The Musical<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          SEX APPEAL: 0\/5. Musicals are the least sexy form of theater. Nothing sexy about a musical. Except Cats<\/a>. And this isn\u2019t Cats.\u00a0<\/p>\n

          ARTISTIC VALUE: 0\/5. Musicals are also artless and worthless, except, again, Cats<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n

          CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5. I actually did use this to sell my car since it\u2019s been parked out front of the Estate for months and I\u2019m not sure it runs but I think they might\u2019ve taken the wrong one? Sorry whoever\u2019s car that was.<\/span>11<\/sup><\/a><\/span> You can have mine.<\/p>\n

          TOTAL SCORE: 2\/5.\u00a0<\/p>\n

          \u00a0<\/p>\n

            \n
          1. T-Mobile – Scrubs<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

            SEX APPEAL: 1\/5. This one has the guys from Scrubs in it and they were kinda cute back in the day but they have not aged well.\u00a0<\/p>\n

            ARTISTIC VALUE: 1\/5. Bad song. Relies entirely on \u201clol it\u2019s the guys from Scrubs\u201d.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

            CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. I didn\u2019t even like Scrubs.<\/p>\n

            TOTAL SCORE: 3\/15.<\/p>\n

            \u00a0<\/p>\n

              \n
            1. AT&T – High School Reunion<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

              SEX APPEAL: 2\/5. Idk do people think Demi Moore and\/or Mila Kunis are hot? I looked it up and they did go to the same high school but so did Warren Zevon and he was way more attractive.<\/p>\n

              ARTISTIC VALUE: 1\/5. Did you know that the Warren Zevon song \u201cSeminole Bingo\u201d was written by mystery novelist Carl Hiaasen? My mom likes his books but I\u2019ve never read them.<\/p>\n

              CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. Nobody will remember this ad but everyone remembers \u201cWerewolves of London\u201d.\u00a0<\/p>\n

              TOTAL SCORE: 4\/15. Neither Kunis or Moore would even be in the running for \u201cmost admired alum\u201d of their high school. Not when Zevon went there. Also the entirety of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. And Ricardo Montalban. And Slash. And former WCW World Heavyweight Champion David Arquette. Real star-studded high school.<\/p>\n

              \u00a0<\/p>\n

                \n
              1. Salesforce – Matthew McConnaghey. McConnauhey. McConahay. MacConnaughy. McConaughey<\/b>.<\/b><\/span>12<\/sup><\/a><\/span>
                <\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                SEX APPEAL: 2\/5. One point for each actress with incredible cheekbones who appears on screen for like a couple seconds.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                ARTISTIC VALUE: 1\/5. \u201cAlso Sprach Zarathustra\u201d is overdone.<\/p>\n

                CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. I\u2019m honestly not sure what salesforce is and this ad did nothing to inform me.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                TOTAL SCORE: 4\/15.<\/p>\n

                \u00a0<\/p>\n

                  \n
                1. Liquid Death – Kid Party<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                  SEX APPEAL: 2\/5. Was expecting to give this a zero but the mom\u2019s hot. I\u2019m like a little into pregnant women which is weird considering I don\u2019t have the equipment to impregnate women. Maybe it\u2019s the ~~glow~~.<\/p>\n

                  ARTISTIC VALUE: 2\/5. Breaking the Law is a banger and so is the morning theme from Peer Gynt but the soundtrack does not save this.<\/p>\n

                  CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. Like OK I guess that canned water is popular but nobody\u2019s gonna remember this commercial. I don\u2019t remember it and I just watched it.<\/p>\n

                  TOTAL SCORE: 5\/15. Eh.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                  \u00a0<\/p>\n

                    \n
                  1. Greenlight – I\u2019ll Take It<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                    SEX APPEAL: 2\/5. One point for the wizard, one point for the t-rex.<\/p>\n

                    ARTISTIC VALUE: 2\/5. One point for the wizard, one point for the t-rex.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                    CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. Just the wizard point for this one, dinosaurs are played out.<\/p>\n

                    TOTAL SCORE: 5\/15. Still don\u2019t know what Greenlight is.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                    \u00a0<\/p>\n

                      \n
                    1. Google Pixel – Real Tone\u00a0<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                      SEX APPEAL: 3\/5. It\u2019s like mostly a slideshow of photos and some of the people in the photos are hot.<\/p>\n

                      ARTISTIC VALUE: 1\/5. But like it\u2019s mostly a slideshow of photos. Not really kino.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                      CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. Whatever. I mean I guess it\u2019s good they\u2019re making a camera that works better on darker skin tones but like. This ad was bad.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                      TOTAL SCORE: 5\/15. I\u2019m really running out of steam here guys idk. I\u2019ve only done. Ten so far. Don\u2019t know how many are left. Christ. Thank god I\u2019m reordering these I\u2019m sure I\u2019ll do more when I\u2019ve got more energy.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                      \u00a0<\/p>\n

                        \n
                      1. T-Mobile – Miley Cyrus<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                        SEX APPEAL: 3\/5. Which is wild, it\u2019s Miley Cyrus, she\u2019s hot<\/a>, but she\u2019s not hot in this one.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                        ARTISTIC VALUE: 1\/5. Song bad. Not much more 2 say.<\/p>\n

                        CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. I think they thought this one would be a hit but let me tell you: it is not.<\/p>\n

                        TOTAL SCORE: 5\/15<\/p>\n

                        \u00a0<\/p>\n

                          \n
                        1. T-Mobile – Dolly Parton<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                          SEX APPEAL: 3.5\/5. I know, you\u2019re all calling me an imbecile, a fool, a philistine for not appreciating Dolly. But she hasn\u2019t been aging well. More plastic than woman. 70s Dolly is a 4.5. This Dolly isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

                          ARTISTIC VALUE: 1\/5. I guess it\u2019s a parody of those awful ASPCA ads? But it\u2019s not very amusing.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                          CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. I\u2019m running out of ways to say \u201cwho care\u201d and that\u2019s not good because I have so many of these fuckers to go. Christ.<\/p>\n

                          TOTAL SCORE: 5.5\/15<\/p>\n

                          \u00a0<\/p>\n

                            \n
                          1. FTX – Larry David Sells Crypto<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                            SEX APPEAL: 1\/5. The girl who gives him the coffee is hot but other than that it\u2019s just a bunch of old dudes.<\/p>\n

                            ARTISTIC VALUE: 4\/5. Look ok Larry David is funny. He\u2019s a good fucking comedian. Unashamed to say I laughed at this. Is comedy art? I sure hope so.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                            CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. I bet FTX won\u2019t even exist this time next year. Never heard of em before never gonna hear of em again.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                            TOTAL SCORE: 6\/15. This was the first one I watched by the way, hope it\u2019s uphill from here. Christ.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                            \u00a0<\/p>\n

                              \n
                            1. QuickBooks – DJ Khaled<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                              SEX APPEAL: 1\/5. There\u2019s like a kinda cute candle maker at the very end.<\/p>\n

                              ARTISTIC VALUE: 5\/5. Chumbawamba Tubthumping is a perfect song. They get one point for each second of it they use.<\/p>\n

                              CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                              TOTAL SCORE: 6\/15. Needs more Chumbawamba.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                              \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                \n
                              1. Headspace – Sleep With John Legend(\u2018s podcast)<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                SEX APPEAL: 4\/5. Loses a point for John Legend constantly hedging the \u201cyou get to sleep with me\u201d bit. Shoulda leaned in.<\/p>\n

                                ARTISTIC VALUE: 1\/5. Zzzzzzz. Put me to sleep faster than the podcast. Which I haven\u2019t listened to but which I assume isn\u2019t as sleep-inducing.<\/p>\n

                                CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. What the fuck is Headspace. Is this another podcast app. The world doesn\u2019t need more podcasts.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                TOTAL SCORE: 6\/15. Have been informed that Headspace is a meditation and sleep app. But also that it does not have sissy hypno on it, which is the only valid use for such an app. What is the point.<\/p>\n

                                \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                  \n
                                1. Avocados from Mexico – Hail Caesar<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                  SEX APPEAL: 1\/5. Why do avocados have their own super bowl commercial. Everyone knows what avocados are.<\/p>\n

                                  ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. The romans didn\u2019t have avocados or tomatoes but I\u2019m pretty sure they did have tailgate parties so that\u2019s three points for documentary versilimitude.<\/p>\n

                                  CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                  TOTAL SCORE: 6\/15. The Caesar salad wasn\u2019t named after Julius Caesar. It was named after a guy named Caesar.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                  \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                    \n
                                  1. Irish Spring – Cast Thy Smell Away<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                    SEX APPEAL: 1\/5. Idk maybe there were some sexy ladies in the backgound? But this thoroughly unpleasant dude was in center of frame basically the whole time.<\/p>\n

                                    ARTISTIC VALUE: 4\/5. Look if you\u2019ve never been forcibly inducted into a mysterious woodland cult maybe you won\u2019t appreciate this but this is exactly how it is. Basically a documentary.<\/p>\n

                                    CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. Everything still smells the same around here. Mildewy.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                    TOTAL SCORE: 6\/15.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                    \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                      \n
                                    1. Doritos – The Woods<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                      SEX APPEAL: 0\/5. Shoulda been sexy anthro animals like those orangina ads. I\u2019m not a furry but I have been known to crank one out to a sexy foxgirl<\/a> on occasion.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                      ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. The sloth voguing at the end accounts for 2 of these points.<\/p>\n

                                      CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                      TOTAL SCORE: 5\/15. Everyone already eats Doritos what do you need a superbowl ad for.<\/p>\n

                                      \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                        \n
                                      1. Rocket Mortgage – Barbie Dream House<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                        SEX APPEAL: 1\/5. Is Anna Kendrick hot? I don\u2019t think she\u2019s hot. Do guys find her hot, is she like, straight hot? I don\u2019t know any straight men so I have nobody to ask. Well OK I live with plenty of them but I don\u2019t want to leave my room.<\/span>13<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

                                        ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. Solid swerve work. Could\u2019ve gotten a 4 if it wasn\u2019t for the QR code that\u2019s probably advertising, like, a cryptocurrency. I didn\u2019t scan it because I\u2019m allergic to 5G radiation so I got rid of my phone.<\/p>\n

                                        CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5. Should\u2019ve had more Skeletor, then people would\u2019ve been talkin about the Skeletor ad. Nobody wants to talk about the Barbie ad.<\/p>\n

                                        TOTAL SCORE: 6\/15.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                        \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                          \n
                                        1. Budweiser – Oh No The Horse Got Hurt<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                          SEX APPEAL: 2\/5. There\u2019s like a MILFy horse doctor but she\u2019s on screen for like three seconds.<\/p>\n

                                          ARTISTIC VALUE: 2\/5. Idk. It\u2019s a touching story but you know they woulda shot that fucker and sent him to the glue factory. Versimilitude is critical in beer ads.<\/p>\n

                                          CULTURAL IMPACT: 3\/5. These points are more for the long-running ad campaign than for this specific instance. Everyone knows about the beer horses.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                          TOTAL SCORE: 7\/15. The dog was cute.<\/p>\n

                                          \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                            \n
                                          1. Oikos – Deion Sanders<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                            SEX APPEAL: 3\/5. Few things sexier than a multi-sport athelete. Unfortunately he\u2019s like old now so he loses a few points.<\/p>\n

                                            ARTISTIC VALUE: 2\/5. Eh.<\/p>\n

                                            CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5. Deion\u2019s son is apparently a fucking great college QB, this is def an attempt to get him in the public eye so he can market himself ASAP. Shame he doesn\u2019t also play baseball like his dad did. Oh well.<\/p>\n

                                            TOTAL SCORE: 7\/15. I feel like I\u2019ve been giving a lot of 7s. I guess it\u2019s like rolling 2d6 you\u2019re gonna get it a lot.<\/span>14<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

                                            \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                              \n
                                            1. Busch Light – Kenny G<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                              SEX APPEAL: 1\/5. Do you think anyone has ever asked Kenny G to sign a Weird Al album<\/a>. Like walked up to him on the street and been like \u201coh my god I love your music can you sign this\u201d but it\u2019s Poodle Hat. I want to do this.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                              ARTISTIC VALUE: 5\/5. Goddamn that man can play a fucking sax.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                              CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. Idk it\u2019s a beer ad. I\u2019m never drinking Busch unless it\u2019s literally my only option and even then I\u2019d probably stay sober.<\/p>\n

                                              TOTAL SCORE: 7\/15. Christ. This is the last one. I\u2019m done. Now I just gotta sort them and we\u2019re fucking good. Halleleujah.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                              \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                \n
                                              1. Caesar\u2019s Sportsbook – The Mannings<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                SEX APPEAL: 3\/5. Cleopatra sexy; Peyton Manning like, negative sexy. Actively makes his surroundings less sexy. Horrid.<\/p>\n

                                                ARTISTIC VALUE: 2\/5. Idk there\u2019s a joke at the end about quarterbacks that I would probably find funny if I knew anything about football. But like, what am I, a sports journalist?<\/p>\n

                                                CULTURAL IMPACT: 2.5\/5. I wonder how many people will develop a gambling addiction because of this ad.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                TOTAL SCORE: 7.5\/15.<\/p>\n

                                                \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                  \n
                                                1. E*Trade – The Baby Returns<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                  SEX APPEAL: 2\/5. There\u2019s a woman in a suit and I like women in suits. But like the other people in the ad are a mediocre dude and two infants.<\/p>\n

                                                  ARTISTIC VALUE: 4\/5. Talking babies are classic. Every great director has to cut their teeth on at least one talking baby commercial before their big break. I\u2019m sure the guy who directed this will go on to be the next Alfred Hitchcock or David Lynch or Coen Brothers.<\/span>15<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

                                                  CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5. I guess the E*<\/a>Trade baby was like. Big in memes back in the day. Or something. But shit. That first baby ad was in 2008. He should be the E**<\/a>Trade middle schooler by now.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                  TOTAL SCORE: 8\/15. Thank you to ETrade for letting me have fun with footnotes.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                  \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                    \n
                                                  1. Sam Adams – Boston Dynamics<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                    SEX APPEAL: 2\/5. Hate those fucking robots Jesus Christ. I think my eventual fate is that one of those dogs is gonna blow my leg off with a flashbang during a water riot in 2047. But there\u2019s an aloha shirt so I gotta give it some points.<\/p>\n

                                                    ARTISTIC VALUE: 1\/5. I hate that they made it backflip why did they make it backflip.<\/p>\n

                                                    CULTURAL IMPACT: 5\/5. Nothing human makes it out of the near-future.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                    TOTAL SCORE: 8\/15.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                    \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                      \n
                                                    1. Lays – Seth Rogen & Paul Rudd<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                      SEX APPEAL: 4\/5. As someone who\u2019s currently fucking a scary ghost girl<\/span>16<\/sup><\/a><\/span> I\u2019ve really grown to appreciate the erotic qualities of banshees, spectres, wights, etc.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                      ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. Was going to give it \u201c1\/5 Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd should\u2019ve married each other\u201d but the ghost girl was a nice touch.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                      CULTURAL IMPACT: 1\/5. Like I said about Doritos: why do you need an ad your product is omnipresent.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                      TOTAL SCORE: 8\/15.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                      \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                        \n
                                                      1. Hellman\u2019s Mayo – Pete Davidson Gets Tackled<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                        SEX APPEAL: 3\/5. I guess Pete Davidson is hot? I mean all his girlfriends have been hot. Maybe it\u2019s like. A collective cultural psyop.<\/p>\n

                                                        ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. Honestly I think slapstick is the highest form of comedy. When he tackles grandma? Priceless.<\/p>\n

                                                        CULTURAL IMPACT: 3\/5. Did Kanye<\/a> tweet about this? Did I just see someone joke that Kanye tweeted about this? We may never know.<\/p>\n

                                                        TOTAL SCORE: 9\/15. I want a chicken salad sandwich.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                        \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                          \n
                                                        1. Michelob Ultra – Bowling Alley<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                          SEX APPEAL: 4\/5. Peyton Manning: -2, as previously established.<\/span>17<\/sup><\/a><\/span> Nneka Ogwumike: +1.5. Jimmy Butler: +1. Alex Morgan: +2. Brooks Koepka: +0. Steve Buscemi: +1.5.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                          ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. \u201cSuperior Bowl\u201d is pretty good tbh. Also I like beer ads that are about everything except the beer.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                          CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5. Idk I don\u2019t see this going places unless they remake the Big Lebowski with only sports players in which case, shit, I\u2019d watch that.<\/p>\n

                                                          TOTAL SCORE: 9\/15.<\/p>\n

                                                          \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                            \n
                                                          1. Coinbase – Bouncing QR Code<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                            SEX APPEAL: 0\/5. Nope.<\/p>\n

                                                            ARTISTIC VALUE: 5\/5. Mostly for sheer chutzpah although the soundtrack kinda slaps.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                            CULTURAL IMPACT: 4\/5. Mainly I think this is turning into \u201chow much have I seen people talk about it on twitter\u201d and for this one it\u2019s quite a bit actually.<\/p>\n

                                                            TOTAL SCORE: 9\/15. Fuck everyone for making crypto an investment thing tho, it should only be used for buying drugs and guns imo.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                            \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                              \n
                                                            1. Expedia – Ewan McGregor<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                              SEX APPEAL: 4\/5. I always forget that Ewan McGregor is Scottish, and I don\u2019t know how I could possibly forget that given his name. Anyway it\u2019s an inherently sexy accent.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                              ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. It\u2019s fine. Nothing to write home about but also not terrible, you know? Solid.<\/p>\n

                                                              CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5. Damn I wish I could afford to travel. Also that the pandemic was at a point where I could travel anywhere exciting. Maybe Scotland. Find a red-headed lass with an Ewan McGregor accent and get all cottagecore.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                              TOTAL SCORE: 9\/15. Obi-Wan Kexpedia lol.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                              \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                \n
                                                              1. DraftKings – GAMBLE<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                SEX APPEAL: 4\/5. No idea what the fuck is going on with that woman\u2019s hair but I want her to choke me.<\/p>\n

                                                                ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. No idea what\u2019s up with her outfit, either. Eldritch tiny half skirt situation. Leather jacket over like. Chainmail? Scales? It\u2019s fucked.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                CULTURAL IMPACT: 3\/5. Do you think more people will get a gambling addiction from this one than from the Caesar\u2019s one? I sure hope so.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                TOTAL SCORE: 10\/15. We\u2019ve entered double digits, baby. Everything from here on is good. Well, \u201cgood\u201d.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                  \n
                                                                1. Alexa – Scarlett Johansson<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                  SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. Went into this ready 2 say \u201coh Scarjo isn\u2019t hot she\u2019s straight hot\u201d but. She\u2019s hot. There\u2019s a bit where you get a POV of waking up next to her and another where she\u2019s got like a flannel with the sleeves rolled up. And also there\u2019s these two.<\/p>\n

                                                                  \"\"<\/p>\n

                                                                  ARTISTIC VALUE: 2\/5. I hate the Alexa and everything it stands for but I will admit this ad made me smile and chuckle a couple times there were some good bits.<\/p>\n

                                                                  CULTURAL IMPACT: 3\/5. This is one of the later ones I\u2019m doing and I\u2019m slowly becoming less and less sure of what \u201ccultural impact\u201d means and whether I\u2019m qualified to judge that. But I have skipped this on youtube a few times now. So it\u2019s like, out there. Or whatever.<\/p>\n

                                                                  TOTAL SCORE: 10\/15.<\/p>\n

                                                                  \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                    \n
                                                                  1. Squarespace – Zendaya Sells Sea Shells By The Sea Shore<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                    SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. Yeah.<\/p>\n

                                                                    ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. Honestly? It\u2019s got some cinematography occurring. More than most commercials. This one is fine.<\/p>\n

                                                                    CULTURAL IMPACT: 3\/5. I did actually see someone talking about this on twitter? So I guess that\u2019s an indication. Of something.<\/p>\n

                                                                    TOTAL SCORE: 11\/15. Look, Zendaya\u2019s hot, although this isn\u2019t as hot as that one paparazzi photo<\/a> of her and Tom Holland where they look like a lesbian couple going to the farmer\u2019s market. That would be a 6\/5.<\/span>18<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

                                                                    \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                      \n
                                                                    1. Pringles – Stuck On You<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                      SEX APPEAL: 3\/5. I think having sex<\/span>19<\/sup><\/a><\/span> while you\u2019ve got a Pringles can stuck on your hand is pretty hot and I don\u2019t know why.<\/p>\n

                                                                      ARTISTIC VALUE: 4\/5. I want to see this as maybe a 20-30 minute short film about this man\u2019s whole life. Just like him living and growing old. With a Pringles can on there the whole time. Beautiful.<\/p>\n

                                                                      CULTURAL IMPACT: 4\/5. But only if they make my short film. Call me, Mr. Pringle, I want to make this happen.<\/p>\n

                                                                      TOTAL SCORE: 11\/15 if they make my movie; 8\/15 otherwise.<\/p>\n

                                                                      \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                        \n
                                                                      1. Planet Fitness – Lindsey Lohan<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                        SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. She\u2019s still got it.<\/p>\n

                                                                        ARTISTIC VALUE: 4\/5. The weeping paparazzi and the bedazzled ankle-cuff are fantastic; unfortunately, Shatner hasn\u2019t made anything that I would classify as \u201cart\u201d since TekWar<\/a>.<\/span>20<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

                                                                        CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5. You know nobody\u2019s actually gonna go to the gym, right? I know Lindsey won\u2019t actually be there. I\u2019ve been burned before.<\/p>\n

                                                                        TOTAL SCORE: 11\/15.<\/p>\n

                                                                        \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                          \n
                                                                        1. Sam\u2019s Club – Kevin Hart<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                          This one was fine but I saw a synopsis for the next one in the listicle I\u2019m getting all these from and I need to see what\u2019s up with \u201cDoja Cat leads an escape from a clown college while covering the Hole song Celebrity Skin\u201d before I shit myself laughing at the premise so this gets whatever I give that minus point five so that the segue makes sense. 11.5\/15.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                          \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                            \n
                                                                          1. Taco Bell – Doja Cat<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                            SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. It\u2019s Doja Cat. She\u2019s hot. This would\u2019ve been a five point five but she loses the clown makeup like halfway through the video and I\u2019ve got like a mild to moderate clown fetish.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                            ARTISTIC VALUE: 4\/5. It\u2019s a good cover, the whole thing got released as a single, and the cover of the single<\/a> has Doja Cat wearing a collar that says \u201cDaddy\u201d in rhinestones so like what\u2019s not to like. Shoulda worn that in the ad, woulda gotten a 6\/5 hotness. 6.5 if she wore it with the clown makeup.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                            CULTURAL IMPACT: 3\/5. Possibly a sign of the upcoming clowncore movement, which I welcome with open arms.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                            TOTAL SCORE: 12\/15.<\/p>\n

                                                                            \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                              \n
                                                                            1. Booking dot com – Idris Elba<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                              SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. Idris Elba\u2026<\/p>\n

                                                                              ARTISTIC VALUE: 5\/5. In an aloha shirt\u2026<\/p>\n

                                                                              CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5. Advertising a website I\u2019ve never heard of in my goddamn life. Whatever.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                              TOTAL SCORE: 12\/15.<\/p>\n

                                                                              \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                \n
                                                                              1. Rakuten – Poker<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                                SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. IDK who this lady is but I need her to be mean to me right goddamn now I tell you what.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                ARTISTIC VALUE: 3\/5. It\u2019s like clearly trying to do a James Bond thing? But opposite the sexy supervillainess with the hairless cat is just like some rando. Also why would you bet a Roomba at a poker game. Makes no sense.<\/p>\n

                                                                                CULTURAL IMPACT: 4\/5. Rewriting this part a couple hours later. Someone, and I won\u2019t name names but it rhymes with \u201cbarbaric\u201d, just tried to bet a Roomba at the Estate\u2019s weekly poker game. Not even his Roomba, it\u2019s the communal Roomba. Goddammit.<\/p>\n

                                                                                TOTAL SCORE: 12\/15.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                  \n
                                                                                1. UberEats – Gwyneth Paltrow Eats Her Own Pussy<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                                  SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. Yeah. That\u2019s right. I think Gwyneth Paltrow taking a bite out of her own pussy candle is hot. I said it. It\u2019s like tasting yourself on a girl\u2019s fingers. Sexy.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                  ARTISTIC VALUE: 5\/5. But only for the disclaimers at the bottom. They just get more and more exasperated. High five to the disclaimer writer.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                  CULTURAL IMPACT: 2\/5. As much as I want this to be a thing I don\u2019t think anyone else appreciates Gwyneth Paltrow eating her own pussy as much as I do.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                  TOTAL SCORE: 12\/15. Might get one of those candles. How much are they? Goddammit. 75 dollars and they don\u2019t actually smell like pussy. Fuck you Gwyneth you\u2019re getting a 7\/15 now. Christ.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                  \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                    \n
                                                                                  1. Bud Light – Zero In The Way Of Possibility<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                                    SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. Some seriously hot chicks in there, and Barbara Streisand has a sexy voice.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                    ARTISTIC VALUE: 5\/5. Actually like. Unironically pretty well put together? Never thought I would say a bud light ad is kino but this one is kino. That\u2019s some film school lingo for you.<\/span>21<\/sup><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

                                                                                    CULTURAL IMPACT: 2.5\/5. I\u2019m actually kind of hoping this doesn\u2019t have an impact because the idea of a zero calorie beer fills me with dread but I think it might. Hedging my bets.<\/p>\n

                                                                                    TOTAL SCORE: 12.5\/5.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                    \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                      \n
                                                                                    1. Cutwater Spirits – It\u2019s OK To Be Lazy<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                                      SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. SEVERAL aloha shirts. Enough said.<\/p>\n

                                                                                      ARTISTIC VALUE: 4\/5. Monochrome makes everything artsier. With the like, one splash of color in the frame? Gorgeous. Loses a point for not also having the aloha shirts be in color.<\/p>\n

                                                                                      CULTURAL IMPACT: 4\/5. Ok maybe not cultural impact but definitely impact on me, I gotta give the booze delivery roomba a try.<\/p>\n

                                                                                      TOTAL SCORE: 13\/15. Near-perfect.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                      \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                      \"\"<\/p>\n

                                                                                      I pasted this in by accident but now I wanna keep it, fuck it, we\u2019re doing it live. Ask Jeeves about the CCRU.<\/span>22<\/sup><\/a><\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                      \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                        \n
                                                                                      1. Bud Light Seltzer – Flavortown<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                                        SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. A whole city of Guy Fieri, some of whom are female? Shit. Sign me the fuck up.<\/p>\n

                                                                                        ARTISTIC VALUE: 4\/5. Beautiful. A glimpse into the utopia we could have if we gave Guy Fieri sorcerous powers.<\/p>\n

                                                                                        CULTURAL IMPACT: 4\/5. See, now I just really want to see Guy Fieri as Willy Wonka. Instead of fucking Timmy Chalamet. I hope they make that movie and make this rating worth it.<\/p>\n

                                                                                        TOTAL SCORE: 13\/15. Did you know that Guy Fieri\u2019s sister was a lesbian and after she passed away from cancer he officiated a hundred and one gay weddings in a single day? An inspiration to us all.<\/p>\n

                                                                                        \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                          \n
                                                                                        1. TurboTax – Match Maker<\/b><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                                                                                          SEX APPEAL: 5\/5. Hold on I gotta. Give all these ratings and then I\u2019ll explain why I\u2019m giving this one a perfect score, give me a sec.<\/p>\n

                                                                                          ARTISTIC VALUE: 5\/5.<\/p>\n

                                                                                          CULTURAL IMPACT: 5\/5.<\/p>\n

                                                                                          TOTAL SCORE: 15\/15. I ship it. I love it. I\u2019m writing fanfic about it as we speak. Ok. So. Fuck. You gotta watch this commercial. There\u2019s this turbotax lady in a blue suit with CRAZY shoulderpads. And this other lady in flannel and mom jeans who has a cat. And it\u2019s like. Hold on let me get screencaps of em gimme a sec.<\/p>\n

                                                                                          \"\" \"\"<\/p>\n

                                                                                          Ok so these are the girls. And there\u2019s some like ad bullshit the soft butch on the couch turns into a crypto guy and then into Ted Lasso for a sec, and each of them gets a different turbotax person. But she comes back 2 being the freelancer who just bought a house. And the shoulderpads lady comes back. And at the end. She\u2019s like. \u201cWow, you are my perfect match\u201d. Anyway. They\u2019re in love. The end.\u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                          \u00a0<\/p>\n

                                                                                          If you made it this far, I\u2019m sorry. Don\u2019t watch any of these, I didn\u2019t link to them for a reason, even that last one. Advertisement is a virus and the more ads you watch the worse you are. That\u2019s why I\u2019m the worst. I think I need to lie down.

                                                                                          <\/p>\n

                                                                                          \u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

                                                                                          * I think having an asterisk in the middle of your company\u2019s name is dumb as hell personally. What\u2019s it doing there. Is there like an invisible footnote somewhere telling you that you shouldn\u2019t take investment advice from a talking baby. Well, let me be the one to tell you that you shouldn\u2019t. Babies don\u2019t know shit about finance. You want a dog for that.<\/p>\n

                                                                                          \n\n\n\n

                                                                                          ** And another thing. The Wikipedia article for E***Trade has it as \u201cE-Trade\u201d because that\u2019s apparently the company\u2019s actual name. What the fuck is that asterisk doing in their logo. Why would you not just have it in your name also.<\/p>\n

                                                                                          <\/p>\n\n\n\n

                                                                                          *** CANADIAN PHARMACY MEXICAN PHARMACY CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP LEVITRA VIAGRA CIALIS CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP NATURAL MALE ENHANCEMENT CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP L A S T . E S T A T E<\/p>\n

                                                                                          – : )<\/p>\n

                                                                                          \u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

                                                                                          Since my escape from the confines of Bear Creek, I have fallen in with a loose association of malcontents, reprobates, misanthropes, degenerates and schismatics<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9,"featured_media":3779,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"gallery","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3775","post","type-post","status-publish","format-gallery","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","post_format-post-format-gallery"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3775","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/9"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3775"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3775\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3779"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3775"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3775"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/beyondthelastestate.com\/archive\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3775"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}